Tuesday, July 12, 2011

(1) Square One...

I guess with all stories a writer must create a base line of "suck" that the protagonist must somehow over come through a plotted journey of righteous truth, bravery and discovery of character. Sounds a bit too noble for this situation, but a baseline is needed none the less for without it how the heck are we supposed to gauge any change or progress? 

The past couple months have been rough. Beyond the medical issues and completely self-conscious weight gain, my husband and I have experienced more stress than either of us (or our marriage) are currently able to handle.  Between his sister deploying to Afghanistan amid complete brother-sister-sister in law relationship failure, his Mother continuing to dismiss our marriage of two years, our first time home ownership, the death of my beloved Nana and the ensuing collapse of my own family in the wake of her passing due to greed and insensitivity, my world has been rocked to its core. I'm sure I will get into person and situation specific details such challenges and others at some point, but for now let it purely be understood that I am frankly at a loss.  A loss of faith, friends, family and, probably worst of all, hope.

Most people refer to hope with optimism, but I've never been a "half glass full" kinda gal.  I've always been more of the "secretly wanting to be glass half full but completely skeptical that the glass is even half empty because someone took another sip and left the dirty glass sitting on the counter" kinda gal.  Awesome.  Anyway, a while back I was watching this documentary about stress and a woman in that documentary mentioned the phrase "the threat of hope" while discussing how difficult it is to raise a special needs child as a single parent.  Granted I am not in her arduous position, but I completely relate to that concept - with hope there is the optimistic possibility for positive change, but there is also the possibility for continued stagnation.  While that positive change deserves to be hoped for, the emotional letdown resulting from hope when that change doesn't happen can be devastating...  Perhaps you don't feel the same way or cannot relate to that degree of unraveling faith but it's my initial point of "suck" and with all of my heart I want and need to overcome it.  In writing these words and hitting "publish post" I feel like I am putting my extremely introverted heart out into the universe despite my head's constant warnings of potential destruction and that I am braving the treacherous waters of hope.  But honestly, I don't think it could get worse right now so what is there to lose?

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